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November 11 , 2017

RANT: Politics & Snark in the Age of Obama

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In RANT, Diann Russell opens up with both barrels on Politics in the Age of Obama (both barrels, just like Joe Biden says we should!)

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Barack Obama and the Politics of Change

Every new president raises many questions in the public mind. Because Barack Obama was a relative newcomer to the national political scene, he raised more questions than most. Would he prove to be a pragmatic centrist or would his politics of hope ultimately flounder on the rocky shoals of America's deep political divisions? What of his leadership…

On Barack Obama:
"…the big news yesterday was that Barack Obama is Satan.

Or Satan is Barack Obama.

Or, Barack Obama is a Moroccan actor.

Or Trayvon Martin looks like Satan’s son.

I’m still not straight on it.

It’s a devilish knot to untie.

I mean, I know Obama thinks he’s royalty, but I doubt he had 'Prince of Darkness' in mind."

On Michelle Obama:
"Michelle Obama’s a busy single Mom.
Only, she’s not single. But she knows what it’s like because she’s just like single moms only she’s not single. But she can feel your pain. She knows your 'shtruggles' because she’s just like you only she’s nothing like you, but she knows how you’re feeling and what your days are like even though she has no idea how you’re feeling and what your days are like.
But she’s a busy single Mom just like you!!!!!"

On Joe Biden:
"Every time he opens his mouth, another unbelievably moronic statement rears its head like the creature from John Hurt’s belly in Alien. Meanwhile, we all stand there dumbfounded like Veronica Cartwright muttering, 'Oh, God. Oh, God!'”

On an NBA Player Coming out of the Closet:
"A basketball player named Jason Collins has 'come out of the closet' as a homosexual.
Hollywood, the Enslaved Press and Bill Clinton as tickled pink.

Sorry. Was that hate speech? Should I say differently tickled?

Meanwhile, across the fruited plain [again, I’m sorry. That was probably insensitive], the ninety million Americans without work expressed their delight at the news.

Not really.

Fact is, outside of Hollywood, the Enslaved Press and rapist Bill Clinton, nobody gives a damn."

On Gun Control
"Liberals take to the fainting couches at the very thought of gun owners.

'It is so tragic to see that these people do not mind the slaughter of children!!!'

Of course we do. That’s why we oppose abortion. And we don’t want to ban uterine curettes; or require universal background checks for the use of the cannula. We want to stop the killing of babies through the procedure of abortion. We want to make all medical facilities abortion free zones.

But, we will permit guns on the premises."

On Nancy Pelosi:
"I don’t foresee Nancy Pelosi calling it quits. Retirement isn’t in her future. She’s fixing to die right there where she’s planted herself.

And given the amount of botulinum toxin swimming laps in her veins, she may very well be impervious to natural death.

Holy water. A wooden stake. Maybe a large enough crucifix may get the job done."

On Liberal Democrats:
"Democrats are like arsonists who douse a home with gallons of gas, set it on fire, then blame the firemen for not being able to put it out in time to save it.

If Democrats were a fringe party in Washington with the blinding strength of a 15 watt bulb, perhaps we could all stand around and say, 'aren’t they cute the way they act like children?'

But the children are in charge.

And when Democrats are in charge, people die."

On Hollywood Celebrities:
"Celebrities travel in a tiny universe in which their every action, every sigh, every bodily function, is applauded and praised. They are an even more closed society than Japan in the nineteenth century. This echo-chamber known as Hollywood functions under the illusion that they matter. And because of this, they have the misguided notion that We the People should agree with whatever 'cause' they espouse – that their opinions have more weight and more purpose, because, well, they’re celebrities.
Never in the history of humankind has one tiny segment of our society thought so highly of itself."

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